


If I ever lose you

by flyingisabetterwordforfalling (FlyingFalling)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Bullying, Canon Temporary Character Death, Childhood Sweethearts, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Getting Together, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Parenthood, Regret, Sad and Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-06
Updated: 2019-02-06
Packaged: 2019-10-23 13:49:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17684672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyingFalling/pseuds/flyingisabetterwordforfalling
Summary: "Some people got to meet the love of their life at a young age, got to grow up with them and Yeza had always been proud to say that he was one of those, probably very few fortunate, people. They had met so long ago and still, he loved his wife as if he had just fallen for her."





	If I ever lose you

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a quote from the song "If I Ever Lose Your Love" by Colouring. I listened to it on repeat while writing this fic (as well as the beautiful original trailer song "The Last Familiar title test" by Covarche). To be honest, I wanted to write something cute and fluffy and then this fic escalated slightly, and instead of maybe a hundred words there are now a few more than originally planned. However, I hope you enjoy reading this fic as much as I did writing it. :)

Some people got to meet the love of their life at a young age, got to grow up with them and Yeza had always been proud to say that he was one of those, probably very few fortunate, people. They had met so long ago and still, he loved his wife as if he had just fallen for her.  
  
He had always admired Veth for just being herself, for not trying to be someone she had never been and never would be. In his eyes she had always, and unapologetically been herself. Even when she had eventually confided in him, admitting her self-doubts and fears.  Still, even back then, after years of having known her Yeza had thought of her as strong and brave for acknowledging her fears.  
  
Long before getting to know her for who she was, back when they had both been nothing more than children, Yeza had kind of looked up to her already. Despite most of the other children shunning Veth rather than accepting the supposedly strange girl, the one with the weird quirks. Back then Yeza had thought of her interests and collections as an important part of her, a special interest and passion. Without them she certainly would not be Veth.

He had seen her from afar before that fateful game, the one he had half-heartedly been playing with the others, when they suddenly invited Veth to join them. The two of them had maybe played together once or twice as children, but he had never gotten the chance of becoming her friend at the time. At the time, he would rather have been hiding somewhere, maybe reading one of his beloved books and spending his time studying without anyone there to interrupt him.  
  
He had known Veth then, or had rather known her name and remembered the sound of her laugh. They had not interacted much once he became friends with the ones who did not like her all that much. Or not at all.  
  
Yeza never stopped yearning for her friendship though. Over the years he had seen how carefully and caring she interacted with younger children, how much she seemed to love petting kittens and just how gentle she was towards others less fortunate than her.  
  
Especially the ones that seemed to be the runt of the litter. However, he had been too shy to ask her to play with him again, up until he was an adolescent and always ever wished to make her smile. To make her smile like she did when one of the children or a stray demanded her attention. Eventually he decided that he was not worth her attention, and tried to forget about her.    
  
For some strange reason though, his peers seemed to like him once he got older, mostly because most of them got to copy his answers during tests. Yeza did not mind, though, as long as they kept being nice to him. He had gotten used to the majority of the other youths not making fun of him anymore. Yeza had therefore figured it was better staying on their good side, not daring to risk giving them a reason for teasing him again.   
  
Back then, however, he eventually realized that they might be hiding bad intentions while inviting Veth to join them in their little game. Especially since the ones who sometimes spent time with him had never before treated Veth in an all too friendly manner.  
  
They used to tease her relentlessly, and Yeza had tried to convince himself that they meant no harm and were simply joking. If he would have been honest with himself then, he might have admitted that helping her would have led to him becoming an outcast as well. He seriously should have stood up for her sooner, no matter in which way. After all these years he was still sorry for not having been able to protect her though.  
  
Still, just looking between the girl and the group on that fateful day, he knew that they intended to humiliate her in front of everyone. Yeza had had seen it in their faces, the gleeful anticipation of making her look like a fool once the person Veth would have to kiss would refuse. Probably while making a huge scene and embarrassing the poor girl even further.     
  
Just looking into Veth's eyes then, Yeza had seen the obvious dejection once she concluded why the ones around her were being nice and almost friendly all of a sudden. Furthermore Yeza saw the  displeasure at the mere thought of going through with what the other younglings wanted them to do, and he had backed away from her.  
  
Up until then Veth seemed to always ever wear a mask around other people, and  yet her face fell for merely a split second once Yeza had distanced himself from her. Still, he had been able to catch the faintest glimpse of chagrin and rejection written all over her face.  Yeza had never been a confrontational person, preferred to stay as far away from trouble as he possibly could.  
  
Albeit without thinking, the others be damned, he had then coyly leaned forward until he was right in front of Veth's face. There had been a sudden lump in Yeza's throat, making it almost unable to breathe at the realization of how close he had been to Veth then. Seeing nothing but her, Yeza knew that he would have to change his mindset, more importantly his behaviour. It had been one of the very few days, in his youth or maybe even his entire life when he had tried to be brave.  
  
No one but the two of them would ever get to know that he had asked Veth if she was alright and whether he was allowed to kiss her then. Adding in an almost inaudible whisper  that he would really like to kiss her, of course, as long as she did not mind.  
  
It was not until later, that he realized what the sudden increasing beating of his heart had meant then, or the way he had smiled into the kiss. The way Veth gasped at the expected and yet surprising touch. In the blink of an eye the moment had been over, and from the outside it had probably looked like nothing special. Maybe not even a kiss but the briefest touch of lips. Just two adolescents playing a game, but to Yeza it would always be one of his dearest memories.  
  
Almost spellbound by Veth's presence, Yeza had neither noticed the exaggerated gagging noises around them, nor the other younglings' screams. Yelling at him to shove the strange girl away, to make her suffer for daring to touch him. Yeza only knew how the ones around them had reacted due to Veth telling him hours later. They had sat together in the grass at the time, Yeza reading one of his alchemy textbooks to Veth, due having no clue how to engage her attention in any other way.  
  
Up until then she had seemed to be out of reach, always avoiding being around other people. For a long time he had tried mustering up the courage to even talk to Veth. At least in that moment, leaning against his side, she had seemed interested enough. Maybe not in his presence, but the content of his book.  
  
So Yeza had falteringly read on, stumbling every once in a while over the words. All the more, when he glanced over and saw her watching him with a look of inquiry. It had taken so much longer, still, for her to fully trust him enough to know that he was not playing a game.  
  
Not anymore at least, because she was worth it. He would never dare playing with her feelings. Furthermore, Veth's smile once she understood just how much he wanted her in his life had been worth it. He would gladly have accepted her companionship as nothing more than friends, if only it meant he could spend time with her.  
  
In the early days of their courtship, however, Yeza had been unable to comprehend how she had been willing to give him not only that but also her heart as well. To him it had seemed as if they had been alone then, his entire focus having been on her. On one of the most amazing people he had ever met.  
  
He had told Veth that much whenever she doubted her worth, or how much she meant to him. He had immensely enjoyed her faint blush at every single compliment he all too gladly gave her whenever she let him. He could not believe that it was actually him who made Veth react like that. Holding her hands in his, Yeza usually got onto the tips of his toes to be able to kiss her cheek, telling her how nice she looked when she was flustered before she patted his hands away with a snort or even a full on laugh. Yeza would never tire of the sound.  
  
Trying to prove just how much he meant it, how much he intended to stay by her side, he got her gift after gift in the following months. He was following traditions and yet he wanted to give her things she liked instead of other kinds of common engagement presents. Instead he brought her all the little things she enjoyed so much and tended to add to her collections.  
  
At one point he off-handedly tried to mention how lucky he was that she had chosen him as her partner. Yeza knew that he was average looking at best, and maybe a little too short even for a halfling. Not being able to look away from her, he told Veth how lucky he was that he got to court her. How lucky he was that she even allowed him to do so.  
  
Without a doubt Veth always blushed at his words. Thus, in Yeza's opinion became almost prettier in those moments then she already was. It would be hard though, to decide whether her becoming more beautiful than usual was even possible.  
  
As soon as she had had enough of him rambling on and on how much he adored her, Veth used to put her hands on both sides of his face. Just looked at him for a while, sometimes fondly sighing at his declarations and sometimes just gazing into his eyes, before leaning down and kissing the tip of his nose once he went silent. Then, and only then, she tended to answer his oaths of love and adoration with her own in return.  
  
Once in a while he forgot his work just standing there, in the middle of his apothecary and his wife by his side. He did not care what his neighbors might say about him whenever it happened. Completely lost in her eyes and the thought that he would get to spend the rest of his life with her. Usually his customers described them as an adorable couple, and most of them did not even mind that Yeza tended to spend some time adoringly gazing at his wife whenever she helped out on especially busy days. Some even joked that he had every reason to do just that. One of their neighbors and regulars, Edith, whose husband had been ill for a long time, even told him time and time again just how fortunate they were to have one another.  
  
Yeza, of course, agreed with the elderly woman wholeheartedly.  
  
As much as he adored the way his wife looked, Yeza did not love for her looks alone. It was not what he had fallen in love with: Veth herself was what he had fallen for. Instead he had noticed her interest in trinkets, or rather things other people might deem beautiful without seeing any further worth in the object.  
  
She had always adored the hidden things, got the most amazing glint in her eyes whenever she focused on something she deemed worth desiring. Among many other little things, he loved her smile, the way she tended to twist her hair between her fingers when she got nervous or how she hummed to herself when she thought no one was there to listen.     
  
Looks could be deceiving, and when it came to Veth there might be no truer statement. To Yeza she would always be the most beautiful person he knew, and he had told her a long time ago that he would love her once they were old and grey. He would not care how she looked then, as long as she would still wish for him to be by her side. As long as she still loved him.  
  
Still, it saddened him that she still shied away from others. He understood her actions, most notably when she hid from the ones Yeza once upon had thought of as his friends. Their community was close-knit, not many people moved away and so almost everyone they had grown up with still lived in the neighborhood.  
  
Over the years, Yeza had not only grown older but wiser, and if those people could not accept the one he loved for who she was then they did not deserve to be part of his or rather their life together anyway. He all too gladly relinquished their company. Yeza and his wife had other friends, not many though, but people who liked them for who they were and not for what they were not.  
  
Veth was still Veth, despite having changed while growing up as well. For the most part so had other people's opinion regarding her. Over a few years, she had grown well respected among their customers and neighborhood. Especially the elderly tended to dote on her, and once in a while Edith slipped Veth some presents for her collections.  However, when other people were around her, she got shy, even a little reticent and almost never showed how brilliant she actually was. In addition, instead of working with him, Veth preferred to simply help out in their apothecary. Which she still called his alone, and refused his praise whenever Yeza attempted giving her any credit for her work.  
  
She had all the knowledge he had, maybe even more and had the potential to become an even greater alchemist than Yeza. If she so wished she could keep the apothecary entirely by herself, and not just when he was working in the laboratory while customers were around. If only she were a little more outgoing; however, she was not, and Yeza would never think of making her do something she was not comfortable with.  
  
Their betrothal had been a private matter, and Yeza had nothing of great value he could offer his beloved as a final betrothal gift. Instead he had slowly but surely build a wooden bench for their apothecary garden whenever he could spare the time. Spending hour after hour, for quite some time long after nightfall, carving their names into the wood. The bench found its permanent place in their little garden in the backyard.  
  
At first Yeza had intended to put it right next to their frontdoor so that every guest could see whose names were intertwined and would always stay together. Nonetheless, Veth had asked him not to, her hands once more resting on his cheeks when she had looked down into his eyes. It was their special gift she reasoned. All that mattered to him was her happiness and she was indeed happy, eyes had been full of unshed tears of joy. Moments later she had given him her own gift, by taking his hands, nervously entangling her suddenly shaking fingers with his. All while pressing his hand to her stomach.  
  
After all these years, Yeza still remembered the choked off noise that had escaped him at the sudden realization of what she was trying to tell him.  
  
Days later they had started decorating the make-shift nursery, and Veth was planning to handcraft the most delicate mobile for the cradle Yeza would ever see or so she had promised. As talented as she was, Veth had been right, of course. In the end, it was made out of her most treasured buttons and every other piece of her collection she proudly displayed for their future child to look up to.  
  
Yeza had encouraged her to create more, to display her different collections around their living quarters if she wanted to. It did not happen overnight but Veth grew more confident in her interests and how she talked about her collections with every single one of Yeza's gentle encouragements. She also talked more freely around others, did not censor her thoughts anymore and tried to care less what others might think whenever she cursed. In Yeza's opinion everyone should be allowed to use more vulgar words, as long as there were no children present.  The ones who thought it was improper for dainty halfling women to speak their mind had certainly never met Veth or her kind of humor.  
  
Once Yeza and her had almost managed to burn down the laboratory, due to being too distracted by the other's antics to properly measuring the ingredients for a certain potion. Of course Veth had blamed her being pregnant at the time, as well as him being such a moron who had never learnt the exact units he had to work with.  
  
Still, she had been giggling despite the smoke burning both of their eyes. In the aftermath, they had been running around their home, trying and mostly failing to get the smell out of their belongings. For an entire week they had tried to find another potion that would get rid of burn marks and the smell of smoke. Still, they never argued or got into fight and talked about everything.  
  
Veth eventually handing Yeza one her boxes she usually kept hidden away, and asking him to help her decorate their child's room even further had been a great honor. Her trust in him, just wanting to share what she loved so dearly had touched Yeza in a way only Veth could.  
  
They had promised one another that they would always be there for the other. When times were good they would keep the other safe and when times were not, they would find a way to fight together, trough everything that might come their way. Yeza had eventually only had a few years with her, first as a friend, then as his betrothed and eventually as his wife. When they became parents everything seemed even more perfect.  
  
There were so many memories, ones he would treasure for the rest of his days, of her and of their son. Yeza remembered the birth of Luke, not in detail though, because he might have fainted once or twice during the process. Still, he remembered the moment he got to hold his small family in his arms. After everything they had gone through to get there, Yeza would not trade them for the world. Neither his family nor the memories binding them together.  
  
After everything, after their... suffering had been over Yeza had still been hurting. Once more he had not been brave. Instead he had taken his son into his arms and ran. Ran until his feet refused to carry him any further. The pain of losing Veth had not gone away, never would. He still hurt, the dull ache in his heart had not ceased in many years. She had been brave then. Probably the bravest person he would ever met.  
  
And yet Yeza had lost Veth, dreading the mere thought of what might have happened to her.  
  
Then, months later all kinds of presents began arriving on his doorstep. Every few months there were little packages, containing seemingly random trinkets, ones no one but _her_ would look at and think of as treasures containing great value and more importantly, things that reminded her of home. No one but her would think of them as such. No one but her would think of them and want to share them with him, with Yeza.  
  
However, at first Yeza had been certain that it might be a cruel joke by someone still living in the vicinity intending to torment him further. Yeza vowed not to dwell on it, tried to see is as something positive. In the end, hope was stronger than any doubt. Logically he knew that it was impossible that Veth might have sent these presents and yet he did not dare ask Old Edith directly to stop trying to cheer him up. For his own and Luke's or maybe his wife's sake he clung to the faint hope of her somehow still being out there. Of her somehow having escaped certain death and having had to flee their captors without a chance to come back to her family.    
  
A far greater part of Yeza did not know how to mourn her. Nevertheless he refused to let their son see him cry, tried to hide the dark circles under his eyes when he once more awoke in the middle of the night. His heart pounding in his ears, almost sound like the harsh footfall of a hoard of goblins. In his imagination he could still hear Veth's screams. For him to run, pleading with him to hold tight onto their child's hand and run, not once looking back.

Hope could still be a foul thing. Eventually he had been approached by high-ranking members of the Cerberus Assembly. With Veth by his side he might even have been brave enough to refuse them entry to his apothecary. Despite them being polite most of the time Yeza did not dare trust their intentions. For a long time he managed to hide Luke from them, not wanting or rather trusting even one of the mages around his son.  
  
Magic was a too powerful tool to be handled around his only child, the only family he had left. His intuition had proven to be right, and the ones asking for his aid turned out to not be trustworthy in the slightest.    
  
And yet he had worked with them, for them. Hoping they would simply leave him alone once he finished what they had asked for. As much as he did not want to work for them he had to, any other action might endanger not only him but also Luke. His son did not deserved losing his only remaining guardian.  
  
In the end, Yeza had not even been able to retrieve Veth's body. Had not been able to lay his beloved wife to rest. Aside from all the things he had not been able to do for her, he had kept the unspoken promise of keeping Luke safe. Of hiding him away should danger or trouble ever find him. It did, and it took him away.  
  
Yeza did not grieve for his own life possibly ending, not as much as he probably should. Luke was with Old Edith and there he would surely be safe. The only one he did grieve for was his son. Their wonderful child. Luke, who would neither have a place to visit nor mourn for his parents, for both of them had been taken away.  
  
In the end, closing his eyes despite utter darkness already engulfing him, Yeza only hoped death would come sooner, so that he might see Veth's face once more.  
  



End file.
